Last updated: April 11, 2024
Bullying is intentional, hurtful and aggressive behaviour that makes others feel uncomfortable, scared or upset.
A person who shows bullying behaviour usually picks on another person’s culture, disability, ethnicity, gender identity, looks, religion, or sexual orientation.
Thought: Bullying doesn’t happen at our school.
Reality check: Bullying is serious – it affects more people than we realize.
Is it bullying?
It’s important to know the difference between bullying and single acts of aggression or conflict. Not all mean or rude behaviour or conflict is bullying.
Understanding the difference helps when it comes to knowing how to intervene.
Mean behaviour aims to hurt someone. Kids are mean to each other when they criticize things about another person (e.g. clothing, intelligence, coolness, etc.). Usually, mean things are said impulsively and then often regretted later.
Mean behaviour can be triggered by feelings of anger, frustration or jealousy. A kid might say something mean to make themselves look better in comparison to another person.
Being mean can sound like:
Mean behaviour causes damage. It’s behaviour that should not happen – it should be discouraged and stopped.
Conflict is an inevitable part of a group dynamic.
Here’s an example of conflict: Two girls on the basketball team are arguing with each other about losing a game. One of the girls blames the other for letting the opposing team knock the ball out of her hands before she could throw it. The other girl is saying it’s her teammate's fault because she didn’t pass the ball during the last few seconds of the game. They continue to fight until their coach gets involved and tells the girls to stop arguing.
In this scenario, both girls have equal power and are disagreeing over the outcome of a game. Neither girl has been threatened or harmed, and neither is showing signs of humiliation or distress.
It would be considered bullying if one of the girls continued an intentional campaign of blame against the other to hurt her feelings or alienate her from her friends. This could include several actions over the course of a few days or weeks – doing things like calling her names, taunting her outside of the gymnasium, or even getting others to gang up on her.
A normal part of child development includes occasionally being mean or rude. Children can do unkind things to others and have no intention to hurt them and also don't get any pleasure from hurting them.
This is because, during preschool and early elementary years, kids have limited ability to manage their behaviours. They may use negative actions as a part of testing boundaries and figuring out their place.
For example, a young child might shove another child because they feel frustrated or they don't know how to ask to play. It's not necessarily bullying.
Some degree of socially imperfect behaviour is normal – not everything needs an adult response. Use these moments as an opportunity to teach how to communicate or how to express anger or anxiety acceptably.
When bad behaviour happens, if the child on the receiving end is only upset for a little while but then seems fine, it’s probably not bullying. But if that child becomes withdrawn, doesn’t want to go to school, or is worried about why the other child does not like them, you should investigate.
For a situation to be considered a bullying incident, three indicators are usually present:
A person who shows bullying behaviour says or does something intentionally hurtful to others and they keep doing it, with no sense of regret or remorse – even when it’s obvious that they’ve hurt a person or when they’re asked to stop.
Warning signs
These are a few signs that could indicate the need to check-in with your child and start a conversation.
Kids who are being bullied by others will often display a change in behaviour or emotions, like:
Kids who exhibit bullying behaviour may show signs that they are using power aggressively, such as:
Types of bullying
Tripping, pinching, pushing, damaging property
Name-calling, insulting others, teasing, intimidating others, making homophobic or racist comments, verbal abuse
Doing things to harm someone else’s reputation or make them feel embarrassed or humiliated – doing things like:
This type of bullying is one of the most harmful. It leaves victims feeling rejected or depressed – with no way out.
It’s also difficult to recognize this type of bullying because it can be done behind someone’s back.
Teasing or humiliating a person online using:
Cyberbullying is constantly evolving and changing with new technology and social media sites. It can happen at any time of day or night and can reach a person even in the privacy of their own home.
What bullying does to others
Bullying is serious – the effects can be traumatic and long-lasting. Victims can show a range of emotional, behavioural, physical and relationship problems.
Kids who get bullied can end up feeling:
It can also cause them to have:
Some adults who were bullied in their youth report extended psychological harm into adulthood, like continued distress, self-blame, fear, and internalized problems like depression.
You have the power to stand up for what’s right and stand up for each other. Someone showing bullying behaviour loses their control if they don’t have an audience watching them.
If you see bullying, you can stop it within 10 seconds of getting involved. You could try:
Don’t be a bystander and encourage bullying behaviour by:
You become part of the problem by watching bad things happen and not doing or saying anything about it.
Work together. Parents, students and school staff all need to work together to create a school environment where everyone feels safe, accepted and respected – regardless of their gender, race, culture, religion, or sexual orientation.
Stand up for yourself. Be assertive, but not aggressive. Tell the person to stop bullying. Don't fight or plan any acts of revenge.
Be smart. Stick close to your friends and avoid being alone. Don’t delete messages, photos, texts or emails – they can be used as evidence.
Get help. Tell an adult what happened – try to provide as many details as you can. They'll be able to offer support and get involved in a positive way. It's normal to feel scared, angry or confused – you can ask for counseling or support with this.
Parents, be a support. Here are some ways parents can help fight bullying behaviour.
Talk to your child
Here are some tips to help you start the conversation.
If you suspect or have been told that your child is exhibiting bullying behaviour, you need to take it seriously and address the situation in a calm, open-minded manner.
Talk to the school
Work with your school to intervene in bullying behaviour and support the children involved. Ultimately, kids who feel connected at school tend to do better – it promotes positive mental health and wellness. Also, schools are in a good position to offer support:
Know the policies, procedures and escalation process in your school district and find out what is best for your child’s circumstance. Make sure you get a copy of the code of conduct from your child’s school. This is often found on the school district website.
Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher, principal or school counsellor and give them the details of the incident. Ask them what their policies are for dealing with bullying and inappropriate behaviour and find out how they are going to address the incident and when. Here are some questions:
Allow the school to investigate the incident and notify the parents of the students involved, if this hasn’t already been done. The school will determine appropriate disciplinary action, if required, and will come up with an intervention plan to support the children or youth involved.
Parents should stay connected and check to see if the situation has improved. As a parent, you can expect action and support from your school. Ask to be kept in the loop on progress and action, and involved in conversations about support for your child.
If you don’t feel the school is taking your report of bullying seriously, you can report it to school district staff (e.g. safe school coordinator, superintendent).
If you’re not satisfied with the school’s response, you can appeal the decision to the board of education. If that doesn’t resolve your concern, you can appeal the matter to the superintendent of achievement.
If you feel your child is not safe, report the situation to your local police and the school.